Welcome and thank you for visiting my very first blog!
As I draw closer to my book launch, I am filled with a combination of excitement and nerves. I am excited because I have been working on this project for almost five years, and it feels wonderful to finally see it coming to fruition. I am nervous because mine is a very personal story. I share my vulnerabilities and my flaws. I am also sharing a variety of details that Amma and her organization do not want the world to know. As far as I am humanly capable, I believe I have told my story with honesty and fairness — the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Life is not black and white. People are neither outright good nor outright evil. Human beings are a complex fusion of wisdom, foolishness, and everything in between.
By nature, the universe is in a constant dance of opposites in order to maintain balance and harmony. Likewise, we should strike a balance and strive to be in harmony with ourselves. We must be flexible and open to change; only then can we grow.
“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.“
—Albert Einstein
I would like to share an excerpt from my book.
“On days when we were at home base, when it wasn’t chaotic from Devi Bhava or some other festival, the ashram embraced for moments a serene and peaceful atmosphere. There was a time of day when almost everyone stopped working and offered himself or herself in song and prayer. This was my favorite time of day, and most often when my heart experienced peace and solace. As the sun made its descent in the cloudy sky above the grayish blue waters of the Arabian Sea, the heat of the day would become one with its soul mate, and together they would disappear beneath the horizon. With the golden rays of the sun out of sight, the ashram would be graced with a refreshingly cool, moist, and salty sea breeze that swept in from across the expansive ocean. The usual hubbub of people faded into quiet murmurs as though someone from up above was turning the volume down. No longer drowned in human noise, I could hear the crackling and rustling of the giant coconut palms swaying in the wind, as if dancing to some divine melody that only they could hear. The chirping of mynah birds and sparrows brought a serene smile to my face, and even the abrasive cawing of crows resonated more favorably to my ears. From the nearby prayer hall, the sublimating, musky aroma of incense came to me on the breeze and enveloped me in its soft embrace.”
I just finished reading your book it gave me great insight in where the mind can go when we are in service to a higher cause. The mind can be tricky and especially when our negative emotions are stirred up. It really helped me see how my mind could go and that although I had dreamed of serving Amma as you have it is not an easy job as serving ones Guru up close and requires constant presence and dedication. This has given me the sankalpa to work on my own inner negativities and really cultivate the right attitude before undertaking such a role which I realize now I have a long ways to go to be fit for such a role and I commend you for facing yourself for so many years in the fire of it. That takes allot of courage, dedication, devotion and strength. I truly enjoyed the stories about you and Amma and it in fact has brought me closer to her reading your fond memories. I cannot say what you have written about others is wrong but I can say Amma is a true SatGuru and that surely had you came to her about any misdemeanors of others against you she would have supported you to be protected. I have witnessed this in my own life . Like the disrobing of Draupadi, when she called for Krishna he intervened. Today I know she would welcome you with as loving arms as she did in the beginning. That all said, it seems you have made a clear choice and are finding your love and strength within you to lead a fulfilled life. I pray you are ever able to stay connected to the light within you and thrive in love in whatever path you chose. May you be at peace 🙏🏻
It is so very unfortunate that the book has been banned due to the high-handedness of the ashram authorities and the mafia supporters. This shows how powerful these cults are in our society. There was a BBC documentary on the secret dealings within Sai Baba’s ashram :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlL_CDqFCLg
but the government did not take any actions or investigate into the happenings in that group. Looks like the same is happening with respect to Amma cult too..
” Faith is not believing that God can,it’s knowing that He will..Read Gospels of Matthew (18:12–14) and Luke (15:3–7) ..you will get where you lost ..Well ,Come back sister…God is about love not about a hell .Past never comes back..you can live now 🙂
I just finished reading the book.I am very sorry that you had to go through what you did.But I am glad it is over and you are now free and finally with friends and family who actually love and care for you.
I just finished reading the book and did it in one go.You are very funny and write really well.I really enjoyed reading it.Since I am from Kerala and know the place well (never visited) I was able to relate to your experiences in Kerala (government hospitals etc).Thank you very much for writing this book,I know how hard it must have been for you.You are definitely going to save at least a few people from this cult.Best wishes.
For the people who are non-indians this book may be enough to convince the truth about ” Amma” and her “ashram”, but the devotees in india will continue to worship her thoughtlessly, they are fully drivenby the mesmerism and artificial spiritual atomosphere.
Dear Gail,
You have wasted your health, wealth, opportunities in the prime-time of life. God has an accurate plan concerning you. Your book will certainly liberate hundreds of thousand innocent people trapped in darkness. May God bless you abundantly for the courageous efforts shown by you. We thank you for the Book. Babu.K.Job
Dear Gail,
i am reading your booke….I am so touched about your openness and honesty! You are such a strong woman!!! I always was touched wehen I saw you around Amma. Thinking by myself, this woman searches the truth. For me this Ammacult is a sect. I left Amma because she lyed and she hit a devotee with a stick over and over. She was rude to me and to others. I got very ill in India and Amma diden’t help me. She is not all knowing and she wants to addict people to her. Thank you for bringing the truth to the surface!!! I am realy happy. I wish you much strengh and don’t let the fanatic ammadevotees weekened you. I belive what you say and it takes so much strengh to have the courage you brought up and still bring up!!! Thank you so much!!!
Hello,
I just watched your interview with Mr. John Brittas and I felt like you were talking from your inside…
I noticed that your intention of your journey to India was to find the truth of life!!! Interesting…
I think you were born as a Christian and later tried to find the truths through Hinduism. So you had a very good opportunity to know Christian & Hindu theologies. I don’t know whether you have already found the meaning of your great journey.
Before you finish your journey, I think you should learn Quran also incase if you have not yet read it. I make this humble suggestion because you spent all your valuable time in your life to find the meaning of life in earth.
Please try to watch the below video in Youtube – Speech by Dr Alexander Jacob IPS about Prophet Mohammed – I watched this video recently and seems very interesting as the speech covers many historical truths based on clear records, more over the speech is by a living legend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBystBsJlH8
Thank you for your honesty and heart-warming interview. I watched it multiple times. I have many friends still in this CULT. I appreciate your courage. Always remember, you have lots of people who believe you and even more that will now think twice before stepping foot into that HELL. Thank you for your honesty and integrity. GOD IS WITH YOU!
Congratulation Gail! You are a remarkable and courageous soul and don’t ever forget that. You have hundreds if not thousands of people who believe you and support what you are doing. Your interview was very touching, inspiring and eye-opening. Be brave and keep your peace amidst the havoc these people will try to create for you. We are all praying and thinking of you daily. Be strong and GOD IS WITH YOU. Lots of luv…
Congratulations Ms.Gail. Go ahead.
I am looking forward to read your book and spread the truth.
by GOPAKUMAR
i read the book and was shocked by it and what you say sounds true ,( i can see no reason why you would make this up), i am not sure that you can call what balu did rape though? surealy it was sexual abuse and coercion but not rape? you could have stopped him couldnt you if you werent afraid of the consequencies with amma? good book anyway and good luck.
as a traditional HINDU, I strongly believe and follow Hindu gods. but I want to tell you the world as a whole, please don’t believe god men/women who claim to bring peace for you. Peace is something you need find within you by yourselves. In my country India, lot of God men/women were arrested/convicted for various crimes including sex abuse/money laundering etc., some of these god men/women are agents of crony capitalism to hide black money. please do not follow them but follow Hindu gods, visit Guruvayoor Krishna, Sabarimala Aiyyappa, Udupi Krishna, Kollur Moogambika and you will find peace within you. Follow Yoga/meditation but do not blindly follow god men/women.
Congratulations Ms.Gail. Go ahead.
I am looking forward to read your book and spread the truth.
Congrats…. U have done such a wonderful job… great job …
Hatsoff to you Gail ! Always knew she was deceit. Never could stand her name.Was waiting for someone to come out with this…Next is gonna be her hospital ! Hope someone shows the courage.
Dear Gail,
Congrats on your freedom. I hope you find the God you were seeking soon. Your bravery is commendable. As a person living in the vicinity of the ashram we have noticed murders, use of marijuana etc Really hope the authorities will take this up. Apologizing on behalf of all good Indians.
Gail,
I bought your book yesterday and am through with it today. Voltaire said “Religion began when the first scoundrel met the first fool” Even after centuries of education it is a wonder that there are so many fools like you who are willing to sacrifice their health, wealth and happiness at the foot of scoundrels like Amma and Jim Jones and Sai Baba and the Rev moon …
The ordeal you have been through is unimaginable. How did you put up with it all these years? By putting up with the crime for so long you have acted as an accomplice to her crimes. Your twenty years of faithful service helped her ensnare more people like you who are looking for the elusive mirage called peace or whatever. Every one has bouts of depressions as well as periods of happiness. They come and go. Peace and tranquility are within you and not outside you. The real problem with people seeking out gurus and godmen are that they are basically insecure children inside however old or formidable looking they are on the outside. Consequently they need a father figure or a mother figure to provide them the elusive security and they are willing to pay any price for it. But it is reason and reason alone that can save you from your boundless sense of insecurity. Even after all that you have been through you are still speaking of spirituality and such holy crap. Obviously you are still a child inside. According to Transactional analysis we have 3 components to our personalities – Parent, Adult and Child. For some the Child component stands out and they seek out Father/Mother figures to make their decisions for them. Instead if you nurture the adult in you you will find whatever peace is possible wherever you are without any temples or churches or godmen.
By the way I am from Kerala and have been fighting godmen and religions and their sacred shit for over 30 years. I think your book will accomplish far more than I have been able to accomplish in these 40 years and may be it will act as atonement for the damage you did to hundreds of thousands of disciples of that Putana Amma. (Putana is a mythical woman character who is sent to kill the infant Krishna with poisonous milk oozing from her breasts) My email is [email protected] and I welcome mails from like minded people and maybe together we can contribute out mite to put superstitions ins their place.
When i write this to you i feel uncomfortable to write my real full name, i know these cults are imprinting fear in you and they are like vampiers, they say it is to destroy your ego but they have bigger ego’s then any other human beings, i know how everyone in this cult brainwashes every other individual, have been in Amritapuri a few times and was lost in that trap myself. I worshipped Amma and in meanwhile i doubted her, when i wanted to break from it i started to get nightmares, Amma would lay as a dead body next to me in bed and many more crazy sick dreams about her ( still difficult to write the H in small letters!)!!! Was it psychotic, was it created by the fear they imprinted or was it really demons sent by them??? Who knows!? Luckely that stoped and luckely the wisdom in my-self sayed no to any further invitations to visit Amma! I lived for many years in India and much is beatiful there, since there is a lot of Light, darkness shows itself also in extreme ways… and ‘spiritual’ people in general, even tho i am a ‘serious seeker’, i just don’t trust most of them, not the guru’s, not the teachers, not the religions, but also not their followers! (not even myself!)
Time to connect with our own inner guru and find God in ourselves!
Two years ago i also lived with another ‘enlightened’ western lady, what i saw there i can compare with your story Gail, just a small version but almost as perverted as this one.
Congratulations to you Gail, thanks to you i also fear no more to speak! When i spoke before it was always ‘my ego’ fighting… luckely we also have our intuition and discernment to count on!
Away with Kali yuga and the old structures of power and welcome to real heart awakening as you feel like did Gail, bless you!!!
Was there Kundlini or other super natural experience you ever had when you were in this cult? Do you have any photos or other videos to publish? Please do not hesitate to file a petition in any or all US, Canada and European countires, that will put a halt in spreading this evil cult. For they say you were greedy for power and abusive ! We do not subscribe that.
Do you still believe anything supernatural about this women called “AMMA or AMMCHI or Hugging Saint” ? You need to come forward to BBC, CNN and other media to prevent further rapes, abuse , exploitation and manipulation of western minds, that would alert ignorant people seeking spirituality in the east from terrible sexual exploitation, abuse slavery.
YOU are not alone dear…..I used to be a devotee of sri sri Ravishankar for nearly 12 years…Now I am a free man…but I stopped my enmity[towards him] after 5 years of painful self analysis…Now I feel either like or dislike…This is I think the only way to be free because both like and dislike bind us…WHAT you do is great…but inside be free for your freedom
with love
AM NOT BELIEVING IN ANY GOD BORN TO EARTH. BUT STILL I JUST HAVE SOME DOUBTS ON THE CREDIBILITY OF YOUR SUFFERING IN MAM.
YOU WERE THERE IN ASRAM AS AMRITA’S RIGHT HAND FOR 2O YRS. SO DOES IT TAKES 20 YRS FOR YOU TO GET ENLIGHTENMENT OF ALL THESE THINGS AND TO GET OUT OF THERE??
YOU ARE SAYING YOU HAD SUFFERED MUCH AND MORE IN 2 DECADES OF YOUR LIFE THERE? BUT HOW COULD YOU ACTED IN THE DOCUMENTARY RIVER OF LOVE? AND YOU WERE NOT SIMPLY ACTING , YOU HAD DONE IT WITH A GREAT PASSION THAT WE FEEL LIKE YOU ARE JUST SHOWING YOUR LIFE IT SELF?
WHEN YOU BLAH OUT SOME CONTROVERSIES, YOU NEED TO BE READY TO ANS WITH FACTS AND FIGURES , THE DOUBTS OF THE READERS, ELSE THERE IS NO MEANING IN YOUR WRITINGS?
ANY ONE CAN SAY OR WRITE ANYTHING, BUT T PROVE TO THEM THAT YOU ARE RIGHT IS WHAT MATTERS
REGARDS
DEEPAK
I was a follower of Amma about 6 years. But after I read your book I felt very sad, shame, worried of my madness…… You are my eye opener madam Gail… Congrats…. Gail, you are great.
Hi Gail,
Me, You and Amma are all human beings. All of them can take spiritual treasures from everywhere without being a slave to other human. The power is within, God is within.
Gail,
It must have taken tremendous tremendous courage to do what you have done. I applaud you for your strength and courage. I read the 2nd half of ur book till the end…….. it takes so much persuasion to listen to our inner voice, the true inner voice. People like Amma are many and India is a fertile ground for such
people to thrive. The problem arises when we see divinity in everything. God is only one and he has created us with mercy and compassion, we do not need something to be divine in order to revere it. The fact that it is God’s creation is a good enough reason to show compassion. I am still surprised that you do not think Amma is not a charltan. She is and so are the numerous self proclaimed Demi Gods, look at the pattern they all follow, building mini business moguls on people’s gullibility and superstition. We as humans need to question why we exist in this world and who is the Supreme power. A bus cannot have 2 drivers and the universe cannot have numerous demi Gods sub contracting the supreme Lord’s work. God doesn’t need that, if he does, he isn’t God. May you be guided to the ultimate truth.
Love
Reshma
I have not read your book, I dont support or endorse Babas/ Ammas, I have always felt I am the means and end to my own search.
Why did you join Ammachi group? Did you benefit anyway by 20 years of working with her? What was your expectation and why did you leave Ammachi?
Sad and stressed Foreigners who are devoid of family or love in life are attracted more to such people. Please find peace within you, No one cant give you which you cant find yourself.
Gail,
We travel from east to west and north to south looking for the purpose of life. Our continued quest for peace and serenity never ends. In between, we get trapped in the world of creations, some popping out meaningless words, others casting us in delusions and we nearly sink. Behold, we get a ray of hope and we cleanse ourselves from being part of that delusions and our quest for peace continues…know that we would embrace peace if only we stop worshipping creations and start worshipping One and Only True God.
“O mankind! A similitude has been coined, so listen to it (carefully): Verily! Those on whom you call besides Allah, cannot create (even) a fly, even though they combine together for the purpose. And if the fly snatched away a thing from them, they would have no power to release it from the fly. So weak are (both) the seeker and the sought.” – Quran(22:73)
” For everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him” – Ibn Qayyim AlJawziyya
“Know that the life of this world is only play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children, as the likeness of vegetation after rain, thereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller; afterwards it dries up and you see it turning yellow; then it becomes straw. But in the Hereafter (there is) a severe torment (for the disbelievers, evil-doers), and (there is) Forgiveness from Allah and (His) Good Pleasure (for the believers, good-doers), whereas the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment. ” – Quran(57:20)
“Say: “O ‘Ibadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful ” – Quran(39:53)
May the God guide us to the straight path. Amen.
Rashid
This article, “India’s Superstition Industry” by Meera Nanda
https://www.google.com/#q=indias+superstition+industry
gives valuable background on why it is so very difficult for persons both in the West and in India, to speak out and get redress – a must read for journalists, concerned friends, former devotees – and for tourists.
It isnt just the guru and the devotees — a network of powerful vested interests support this exploitation.
In the name of faith | Frontline
http://www.frontline.in/cover-story/in-the-name-of…/article5137396.ece
Asaram Bapu’s alleged sexual assault on a young girl offers an opportunity to throw light on India’s superstition industry and lift the veil on the …
I respect your 20 years of dedication for our Indian culture but on the other hand I am deeply sad that you had to end in pain. As on today there is no equipment to measure the divinity of a divine person. But our ancient scripture namely Nadi Palm Leaves proves the divinity of a person, in this birth and in the previous birth. One such is proved in the history of LORD KALKI. KALKI has got read HIS leaf and it is mentioning the exact date of birth, previous names and about previous incarnations.Kindly visit http://www.kalkiavathar.com for more details.
I am not questioning AMMA for not getting HER Nadi Palm Leaves read rather if SHE has got HER leaves read then the world would have known HER divinity and we would have known HER previous life.
Secondly, even Balu is not the disciple of AMMA because Balu got initiation from the person who received dashnama sanyassa.Amma cannot give initiation to others because SHE did not get initiation from anybody.
Thirdly, it is evident that AMMA has failed to understand your life because now you are simply Gail Tredwell and acting against HER so it clearly proves HER defeat. Final question to the MATH, even AMMA has failed to know the life of HER own devotee who served HER for 20 years then how can AMMA know the fate of other devotees ?.
Now MATH cannot runaway without clearing the anguish of Gail Tredwell, who was a westnizer who had bad experience from the MATH.
After my two sisters are entrapped by this blood and money sucking cult, I knew years ago that the true story would come out one day. Thank you for your courage to bring this out to the world. It is time authorities in India investigate these cults and prosecute the wrong doers. I would encourage Indians in India and abroad to task the Government to do something about these age old malaise that has hampered India’s progress. Hinduism was never meant to be preached. If you are looking for a true Guru you will not find one. If your Guru in India is heading out first class to hug people all over the world it’s to bring back $10,000,000 after every US tour. Good business by any enterprise standard, you however will loose your soul and your precious hard-earned dollars.
I have purchased a hardcopy edition of your book.
Am waiting to read it, fearing I will be upset. I live in an area that is full of Amma promotion. Two Amma affliated businesses are in my home neighborhood, and San Ramon is just an hour to an hour and a half distant via the freeway.
Over the years, I would see the Ammachi booth at the Himalayan Fair in Berkeley. The Amma devotees mostly had a hard eyed hungry look, as though needing to confirm their commitment by hooking in new recruits.
My former therapist hinted at how good it would be for me to go get a hug from Amma.
Makes me sick to learn how egregiously she and her organization consume and grind people up.
This kind of neediness is, in my opinion, process addiction, little different from gambling.
Hard core gamblers surround themselves with their own kind in specialized environments (casinos) that block out distractions from anything other than gambling, or maintain by going to gambling websites. Casinos are a lot like ashrams – they block out family, non gambler friends, attract with cheap meals and hotel accommodation and surround with cues to keep gambling.
In guru addiction, the specialized environment is the ashram — and guru junkie social scene that supports it.
And those who dare to tell the truth about the business model and abusiveness of the Guru Industry are hated by those who want to continue romanticising the addiction.
Unlike the guru addicts, gamblers dont rationalize it in the name of love or God, though they may rationalize what they are doing as proof that they are brave, cool and that risk averse people are cowards.
Finally, here are commonplace replies by guru addicts to those who refuse to validate the addiction
You are not a devotee, you are an outsider, go away.
Reply: I am a US taxpayer, Amma is not and my taxes pay for the infra structure taht supports her ashram.
*Anyone who sees merit in gurus is inherantly better and more evolved as a human being than those who are skeptical or who have given up on gurus.
*Even bad guru set ups teach us valuable lessons – how dare you bitch about this?
*If you dare criticise gurus, you’re being handicapped by your Westernized modern mind and ego (Which doesnt keep Amma from benefitting from Western trained accountants, PR consultants, use of computers designed by western engineering
* You’re a cynic
*You’re a ‘hater’
*Analytic thought or education hampers ability to see Amma’s excellence (Ignores that Amma hires lots of analytical thinkers to count the money, invest the money, do the PR campaigns, do the lawyering, etc Gurus can employ analytical thinking but we are forbidden to do so.)
* You hate or do not understand Indian culture and spirituality
*If you are not Indian you have no right to criticise Indian culture and spirituality
*If you are Indian and Hindu, and even if you are from Kerela, if you criticise Amma, you are a pathetic specimen who has disowned the glorious spiriutal heritage of your nation
*You are not yourself enlightened and have no right to criticise
*Amma does all this good cause work. So what if she gives only a little, its better than if she were not around at all.
*So what if many of Amma’s followers are crazy, cruel, dependant? They’d have been worse off if they’d never met Amma.
I opened your book and read it non-stop until I finished it. Congratulations. Coming home to one’s self after decades of being focused on a false prophet is a noteworthy triumph. I resonate with the truth of your journey, and applaud the inner guidance you had to tap into to achieve find your way back home again.
The physical condition of Amma’s longtime residents is pitiable. Free time for contemplation is hard to come by for those engaged in seva. The abuses, physical and mental, the kindest ones take from her are rationalized as mystical steps to enlightenment. She lets residents spend their own money in providing services for the sick and injured creatures at the ashram, and doesn’t give anything to domestic animal or wildlife causes, locally or internationally. Her elephants are in chains, confined to small areas and have been relocated from public view. Even the hospital at the ashram is a very underfunded, crowded, and unhealthy disgrace. These things are not glamorous charitable work or income producers. She is said to know “everything” as the Mother of the World but asks basic questions and makes many mistakes in judgment, which devotees deny are unintentional. Yes, miracles happen around her but great misery also continues, justified as what needs to happen for spiritual “growth.” Better to invest in the guru within.
I am an ex-devotee of this Amma. I remember you and spoke to you in ashram. Now her ashram is a corporate business organization in the name of spiritualism. In the name of social service, having own medical college, university in her name and selling medical admission seats. But God will made us realize the trust. i am happy you are safe, they don’t dare to kill you, I am so proud of you! You show the courage to publish the trust to the world. I am sure there are many people like you who are suffering silently in the ashram. I can’t wait to read your book. I came to know that ashram people are trying to band this book publication in India.
I have just finished reading your book. It was given to me by my mother (Who has hugged Amma) after she finished reading it. I am so sorry for what you endured. The true spirit in each of us is here to learn that through no other human being can we find our divinity, but within our very selves. Much love to you and hoping for you the most beautiful new life imaginable. Our creator “God” is a very personal quest for each of us, may we always continue to seek.
I would like to add that all amma admirers look like they’re in some kind of a hypnotic trance. Wonder what she does to them? I have a degree in psychology and I can tell that amma is power crazy just by looking at her.
I am an ex-devotee of this Amma. I just ordered a hard copy of Holy Hell. I am sure its going to clear away the confusion I’ve had about her for more than a decade. This Amma can be dangerous to deal with in close proximity. She obviously has some psychiatric illness. Congratulations on breaking free from her monstrous clutches!
Reading your book after a 20 year connection with the organization I can only say that in my heart I just believe that
you are very honest and brave. The reactions on the “amma scandal” site are just that : scandalous. I can not imagine that it is orchestrated without Amma’s knowledge. Spirituality is not about becoming part of a beehive and being a servant of a queen bee. (The beehive psychology is something to look into)
But it is about becoming fully human, a free and loving being in the peace of our heart. Thank you for your contribution to just that.
I should have added, it’s great to see you looking so healthy now in your blog photo. Rock on!
Gail, I’ve just started reading and it’s a riveting story. So much resonates with me and my own journey with another teacher. Thank you!
Hello Gail,
It is with much sadness that I read this book. I first meet amma in 1989 in Kerala, she showered me with much love and attention – and I was hooked. I have no regrets about my 20 year association with amma; there were countless special moments that I can’t deny. My gapping need to be loved and acknowledged was met.
For many years I believed that ‘enlightened’ teachers were somehow transcended beings. My erroneous ideas were continually perpetuated by teachers themselves, (Hindu) cultural and religious beliefs, and my own unquestioned assumptions, rationalisations and needs. Twenty three years later, I sense that ALL teachers have feet of clay. Regardless of their ‘attainments’ their shadow sides don’t just disappear, there still there because they remain human.
Gail, a huge thank you to you for eventually finding the courage to write this book, and for your searing honesty.
Dear Gail
I remember you on the Australian visits, always white faced with dark circles under your eyes, always there, always willing, putting yourself entirely at service.
I rejoice for you that you have found freedom and peace of mind.
Many comforting experiences came from Amma’s visits, but at what cost we could not have imagined at the time.
I have followed several teachers and committed with devotion and much sacrifice over many years and many disappointments, to understand in the end that it is only the heart of loving kindness and compassion that will prevail.
I love this comment, thank you.
We have both just finished reading your book and want to tell you how impressed we are with it. It is as beautifully written as it is compelling.
The events you describe are almost incredible and yet we both felt ourselves believing every word. It is honest and brave. It certainly puts the Amma Organisation in a totally different light from that portrayed in the media, which seems to be completely in thrall to her PR machine.
Your book was a very important read for us as our daughter has been deeply affected by the Amma cult and is all but lost to us as a consequence. Her story has many parallels with your own and it is a source of comfort to us to know that your story has, at last, a happy ending.
Up until 5 years ago we were a very close family. Then our daughter left for India looking, like you, for a spiritual experience. She went to Amma’s ashram in Kerala and for the last 5 years has visited Amma whenever possible – in San Ramon , in Kerala and in London. She went through a “marriage ceremony” in London with an Amma devotee she met in the ashram in Kerala. For this we know that she paid 1008 euros in cash.
Since then she has progressively given up on family, friends and her career. We thought all along that this was just a money obsessed cult and now we know for sure that it is.
We felt very much for your poor parents in this as this is the position we are in. We don’t know what to do or say to bring her back to us. If only we could get her to read your book!
We are very glad that you made it back to real life Gail. Your book is a tremendous achievement. It inspires us with hope that one day our daughter might realise that she is on the wrong path. We just hope it doesn’t take her 20 years.
What Balu, “Big Swami” did was definitely “rape” by any legal definition:
Silence does not mean consent.
Silence does not mean “yes”.
If consent is given under duress (physical or emotional threats, or deception), then it is not given freely or willingly, and sex with a person consenting under duress is rape.
If you’ve had sex with the perpetrator before, but do not consent the next time, yet sexual activity continues, that is rape. If you had already started, and then you say no, and he/she keeps going, that is rape. No means STOP!
i read the book and was shocked by it and what you say sounds true ,( i can see no reason why you would make this up), i am not sure that you can call what balu did rape though? surealy it was sexual abuse and coercion but not rape? you could have stopped him couldnt you if you werent afraid of the consequencies with amma? good book anyway and good luck.
I understand and honor the courage it takes to stand in your truth despite the consequences that may be at hand. I am so proud of you! I value your voice, your story and your friendship. I can’t wait to read your book not only because you write so eloquently but because it carries the message that God is the essence that resides within us all not one idealized messenger. May the Goddess in you shine!
Hi Dear One, I met you in NYC in 1992 when you were there with amma. I knew something was not right because you looked as white as a sheet… as if your were drained of vitality. Then there was a booklet published by the NYC satsang in which you did recount come of the trials and tribulations of being amma’s servant. Then the news came that you would have to have surgery for ovarian cancer–and amma was such a bit healer and she wouldn’t/couldn’t heal her own slave!! Then when the “groupies” started saying how lucky you were because you had had to stay away from amma the week of your menses, so with surgery you could be with her all the time… I was shocked and dismayed and disappointed at such a rationalization–and also at the news that you could not be around her for a week (although I guess it was a blessing in disguise.) I have written about my travels in India–and it’s a wonderful place. But I did find that the ashrams were the worst for using people. I wrote about the Sai Baba ashram…. “All is not well in paradise.” That was in approx. 1991–but no one heeded my logic and good sense–and it got worse there.
Anyway, I am so glad that you are free because strangely I have thought about you–and even spoke about your plight as a slave–even less than a month ago.
I will post a link to your book on my timelessindia website.
Sending lots of love and light!!
Nancy
Merci d’avoir eu le courage et la force de révéler tout cela.
Je suis allée quelques mois en Inde à l’ashram et j’ai senti tout de suite des énergies qui pouvaient représentaient ce que vous décrivez dans votre livre.
Bien que malheureusement tous et toutes ne vont pas croire ce que vous dites, j’espère que cela aidera un grand nombre à y voir clair, et à ne plus chercher de gourou à l’extérieur , mais de se consacrer à une recherche du Maître intérieur.
I’m so glad this book has been written and hope that it’s read widely ESP by people entranced in the illusion if liberation through a ‘guru.’ For years I searched here and there for ‘the guru.’ Finally one time in India my heart spike to me and said that’s enough of chasing after these gurus. Find your own inner guru. These gurus have nothing of real substance to offer in this time. I was never a devotee of Amma or any other guru though I tried I just didn’t feel like I fit. I couldn’t surrender who I was to another individual. I thought something was wrong with me, maybe too much pride or self will. I also saw that most devotees didn’t seem fulfilled or have a sense of confidence. They lived for the guru but the guru wasn’t living for them. The gurus live for their own agenda which involves power through massive deception and mind control. This goes for all the fake gurus like Jaggi Vasudev (isha yoga), Ravi Shankar (art of living) Amma and so on. They’ve built huge empires on the backs of the deceived. People just give them their lives, their money and their future only to lose everything in hopes of some fake spiritual promises. I read your entire book staying up late till 3 in the morning. I applaud your courage for coming forth. I wish the book had more details but nevertheless much is covered. It’s sad that people use spirituality and dharma to defraud people but the easiest thing to sell people is a pie in the sky dream. You never have to produce anything other than some feel good experiences and wala… People are taken in. Sleeping masses of devotees awake. Together we can make this a better planet without the need for useless crutches (gurus). But many don’t want the truth. They hold strong to their illusions. It’s takes courage to see reality though. Many blessings.
Pankaj,
You nailed it:
“I also saw that most devotees didn’t seem fulfilled or have a sense of confidence. They lived for the guru but the guru wasn’t living for them. The gurus live for their own agenda which involves power through massive deception and mind control.”
Damn, I drank the Kool-Aid and kept trying to change myself, but the truth is that Amma doesn’t care jackshit about the individuals under her charge, much less the poor and needy. She wants everyone to be detached when it comes to their own health and money, meanwhile she funnels huge assets over to her relatives and for-profit enterprises from funds raised in the name of charity. Amma’s detachment goes out the window when it comes to what anyone is saying about her and the ashram, or if anyone questions her cooked books, rules, and/or policies.
The ashram is a closed system of “yes” people that don’t allow any questioning or free thought. There’s a doctrine of not allowing negative thinking, which is just another name for “cult mind control.” She claims, yes she does claim, that she is an Avatar, the Supreme Purusha, Devi, God, the same as Jesus (or better), etc. Yet, why does this supreme being need everyone spying on each other and tattling if someone is not in line with the official doctrine? Why can’t Amma make friends (as equals) with other religious leaders of various faiths?
After reading “Feet of Clay,” I see she fits a classic description of a narcissistic cult leader, even though her sexuality is denied and only indulged in behind closed doors. And there’s the huge fortune, over $300 million, stashed away in foreign bank accounts. Much of this money comes from ordinary people who are forfeiting their own futures for this charlatan. All of this in the name of compassion. How hateful!
Reply to “Grateful”:
Your post says … “after reading ‘Feet of Clay.'” Did you mean “after reading ‘Holy Hell'”? Gail’s book title is “Holy Hell.” I think you accidentally gave the shorthand name of another book, called “Robes of Silk, Feet of Clay,” which was written by a former girlfriend of the monk, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, founder of Transcendental Meditation. Maharishi was another charlatan, telling his disciples to lead celibate lives while seducing and sleeping with at least a half dozen very young female disciples behind everyone’s back. And still TM lives on, its cult members still believing Maharishi was a great saint.
Gail, I am SO pleased your book has FINALLY come out:):):) Your actions will lead to the liberation of so many from this fake “goddess” with her fake hugs. I just noticed that the book is also now on iTunes. I am SURE that ‘Holy Hell’ will soon go viral. All I can say to everyone is SPREAD THE WORD! Thank you SO much for your courage in writing this :):):):):)
I just finished your book, Gail. Holy cow! What an experience. What I always find amazing is that even though some of these spiritual teachers have this public/personal split that they can evoke such profound transcendent experiences by being in their presence. Good luck with the Amma people who will be all over you because of this book! And of course: satyameva jayate nānṛtaṁ!
Dear Gail, Thank you for the ebook. I lived in amritapuri ashram for 8 years (2003 to 2011). What a relief to see confirmed all my doubts about spiritual business, manipulation, lies. I am so happy to see your bright face and i remember how sad and stressed you looked in the 90’s. What you suffered then is worse than what i could have ever imagined. Sorry for my bad english, i am french. Love and gratitude. Madeleine
Congrats on your book launch–paperback on Amazon and ebook!
Congratulations…a really big milestone in your life! Your book and experiences will provide many others with insight on their spiritual journeys.
Dear Gail,
Thanks for the book. Yes! Amma is in my country right now on the Europe tour. I have been waiting for your book since I read about it months ago. Please make a digital version available as soon as possible. I wish you love and peace in your heart.
Gail,
I am looking forward to read your book and spread the truth
Congratulations Gail! Your determination and courage is admirable and we applaud you! I can hardly wait for my copy to arrive! I ordered today!
Best wishes and congratulations on being free, Gail. I remember very well the first time I saw you in Taos, NM, 1987. You’re look so much happier now.
Charlie
Can’t wait to read this! I live in a community of misconscioused devotees to Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, of Transcendental Meditation fame, and my mind still boggles at the amount of power they still blindly give away to movement leaders, even though Maharishi has long passed. Am optimistic though, as the world continues to evolve, that their egos will allow them to release these attachments, and they’ll ultimately awaken to their true guru within.
That TM continues on after Maharishi has passed is no less astounding than the fact that thousands of cult members know this “monk” seduced and slept with many of his very young female disciples, yet everyone continues to look the other way. Their rationale? “The enlightened are not bound by the same standards of morality as the rest of us.” So apparently it’s fine for gurus to corrupt underage girls, while telling their disciples to lead lives of celibacy and forgo marriage and family.
Oprah began practicing TM a year or two ago, obliviously blind to the facts. I personally know one woman who Maharishi was sleeping with during his teenage years, and another woman he approached who, being a little older and wiser, refused him. These in addition to his former teenage girlfriend, Judith Bourque, who wrote about her experiences in the book: “Robes of Silk, Feet of Clay.” How long will people keep on deceiving themselves with the guru game?
You rock girl!